Baseball trade rumor: Rowengartner, a Diamondback?

According to an Arizona Diamondback fan blog, I’m on a short list of relievers Arizona should consider to help their struggling bullpen. I know what you’re thinking. “Henry, how could you leave Chicago?” And honestly, I don’t want to. I’ve lived here my whole life. I love this city. But hear me out.

Chicago has obviously not shown much interest in me. Maybe what I need is to get out of here for awhile. Maybe if I can make some noise on another team, I can generate some interest from the Cubs.

It’s kinda like dating. You go awhile with nothing. Suddenly, you get a girlfriend and the women can’t keep their hands off of you. In high school, me and Becky broke up for awhile and she wanted nothing to do with me. Then a rumor went around that I was taking this other chick Monica to prom. Well, Becky was pissed. But she immediately wanted me back. Of course the rumor about Monica wasn’t real (I swear I didn’t start that rumor). But the theory proved true, Becky and I went to the prom, and then got married after high school.

Come to think of it, Becky and I have been divorced for a few years (see becky). If only she knew that I’m dating, uh, Monic– no, no, um– If only she knew that I was dating Lisa (this really hot girl who works at Ultimate Exposure Tanning Salon), then maybe Becky would want me back.

Boy, is Lisa gonna be sad to see me go to Arizona. She loves me a lot though. She’ll probably move to Arizona to be near me.

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